Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend

Best friends. I have always, always had a hard time with this concept.

Let me explain -

I have always been the girl who just can't seem keep a best friend - I think that's the best way I can describe it. I wasn't the girl who met her first friend in kindergarten and stayed friends forever. I've been through countless numbers of "best friends" since I was five years old. Maybe it was me, maybe it was them... but that is neither here nor there. What I personally believe has been the cause of all my friendship dilemmas is that "three is a crowd". I have always had these wonderful friendships and then the friendship somehow manages to grow into three girls, which leads to bickering and bitchiness. I've learned that when three girls are friends there are always instances of cattiness and back-stabbing. I will admit to being both the victim and the perpetrator - both roles are shitty experiences.

As I grew-up and matured I realized that most of the situations I continued to let myself get dragged into were completely toxic. It's sad, painful, and upsetting to have not only one person you thought you could trust, but two turn on you completely. So now in my many different circle of friends - I have no real best friend. I just have a lot of equally awesome friends. 

Around the time that a bunch of misery happened in the friendship department I became closer with my cousin Jeni again. We have always been close. Growing up our parents were very close, so in turn we were close. (that is one thing we can both thank our whack-job parents for!) We would spend weekends together, vacations at our grandparents playing with our Barbies and decorating their driveway in sidewalk chalk. But of course there were still times when we would drift in and out of each others lives, but we always found our way back. A few years back we had a lot of family drama occur and it brought us closer than I could ever imagine. We dealt with goodbyes and heartaches. Through it all, we were by each others side.  Since then our bond is unbreakable. I don't think we will ever again go through a time in our lives when we "drift" again. We have dinner and wine nights once a week, usually visit our grandmother every sunday, and I'm the maid of honor in her wedding. And when I take the plunge, she will be mine.

It took me until I was about 23 or 24 to realize it, but Jeni has been my best friend from the day I was born. Which is so unbelievably fitting - my family is so important to me. You may not realize this if you read my about my parents, but the people in my family who have been there day in and day out - they are the most important people in my life. Jeni has been more than a best friend. We don't fight, we don't bicker, we don't back-stab. We are just there for each other no matter what. We love each other unconditionally. She is the sister I never had, my therapist, my confidant, my absolute best friend.  

Day 8: A place you've traveled to

This one is super easy for me because unfortunately, I have hardly traveled at all in my whole life.

This past year I went to Disney World with Jonathan and his family. It was my first time in Florida. Here is a favorite pic of my in front of the castle:

Day 7: Favorite movies

This is such a difficult topic for me! It should be simple, but it’s not. I love movies. All movies. I don’t think I really have any movies in my life that are the end all, be all of movies. I don’t think I really have any movies that particularly stand out above the rest. I like everything too - kids movies, chick-flicks, drama, action, horror, comedy, documentary, etc.

So I will do my best to give you a list (some are bundled together based on similarity or actor). But my favorites change constantly. So this is difficult.

•  All of the "Harry Potter" movies (even if they aren’t nearly as good as sitting down and reading the books) I’m in love with Harry Potter weekends on ABC family. 
• "27 Dresses", "The Holiday", "The Notebook", "Love Actually", "Definitely, Maybe", "In Her Shoes", "The Last Kiss" (I’ll watch basically any chick-flick)
•  "The Shawshank Redemption" (This is Jonathan’s favorite movie. I watched it with him for the first time ever. And it really is fantastic)
•  "Inception", "Shutter Island", "The Departed" (I also love basically all Leonardo Dicaprio movies. He is probably my most favorite actor)
• All 3 "Toy Story" movies, "Monsters Inc", "Finding Nemo" (I love Pixar movies)
• "Little Mermaid", "Aladdin", "Beauty & the Beast", "Cinderella" (my childhood favs)
• "Back to the Future" (1, 2, & 3)
• "The Breakfast Club"
• "Stand By Me"
• "Forrest Gump" 

Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy

A nice easy blog for a not-so-lazy Sunday. I usually enjoy my lazy Sundays, but today I cleaned a ton, planned a whole bunch for school, organized myself to start report cards soon and corrected all the uncorrected work I had piling up. Here are a picture of a few things that make me happy:

The beach - although I'm sad to say I have never been anywhere tropical. 

 

 

 

 

My family

The wonderful man in my life

and last but not least, my kitty Diablo. 

 

 

 

 

I have plenty of things in my life that make me happy. These were just to name a few :)

Day 5: A song to match your mood

Yesterday's post was a hard one to write. I am very grateful for the wonderful responses I got regarding it. Thank you all for being supportive and compassionate. I also got an email from a friend who told me she can certainly relate to a lot of what I said. We chatted a bit on the phone today and it is nice to know that even though the circumstances are not identical that someone sort of understands the pain my parents have caused.

With that said... my song of choice today is:

Day 4: Your Parents

Sorry for my short blogging hiatus. I will be completely honest with you - it is 100% due to the fact that I have been completely procrastinating on this particular blog topic. When I ventured out into this 30 Day Challenge I had good intentions to tell my stories using full disclosure as much detail as I could consciously muster up.

**Disclaimer** If you are someone who believes a blog shouldn't be too personal. Then stop reading... because this blog is about as personal as it gets. It's raw, painful, sad, and truth.

If it were only this simple.

First of all, I like to start off by saying I did not create the blogger topic list myself. I Googled "30 Day Blog Challenge" and found it. With that said, I can only assume that the person who created the list figured that blogging about your parents should not be too difficult or too personal. I bet the person who created the list had those kind of parents who were supportive and wonderful; people that they can always turn to. But maybe I shouldn't assume... I sure don't want to be called an ass.

Anywho, I'm not a person who can describe my parents as wonderful, supportive, influential people. In all honesty, my parents are a complete mess and I am currently not on speaking terms with either one. So here are the basics. This is probably just about as personal as it gets - so I will do my best with the details.

My dad was a good man at some point in his life. At least I hope he was. I hope that when he married my mom and started our family that he really did want to be a good dad. I think he tried. At first anyway. For as long as I can remember my dad has been an alcoholic. My parents split-up when I was seven. I used to spend the weekends with him and at the bright age of ten I decided to put an end to that since our weekend trips would always end at a bar. As a little kid I would plead with him to stop drinking. I would write him letters about how all I want is for him to stop. Nothing worked. He wouldn't stop. He became an embarrassment. I didn't want my friends to meet him. I told my mom not to invite him to my high school graduation party. By the time I was fifteen I made the decision that I was done with him. In the past eight years I have seen him a handful of times. Once I visited him in the hospital when he crashed into a school bus. Once I saw him at my Memere's wake. Once I saw him at the funeral. And once I saw him at the bank - when he surprisingly decided to sign his life insurance policy over to me. He is a mess. Aside from being an alcoholic he is also a drug addict. To be completely honest it shocks me that he is still alive. The way he destroys himself each and everyday. It is a miracle. The difference between my mom and dad though... is I have come to terms with who he is. I learned that he would never change when I was ten years old. So I stopped being hurt by it and I just dealt with it. It is what it is became my attitude. I'd love to be a little girl who has her dad's shoulder to cry on, but I'm not. I'm stronger because of it though.

My mom is a good person with a good heart. I will never deny that. She is also an alcoholic and also one of the most selfish people I know. Maybe she is so selfish because when we were kids she was so selfless, but aren't you supposed to be that way with your kids? My mom was my best friend up until I was about seventeen. She was there for me whenever I needed her. Despite the fact that she was a single mother with little money she honestly did the best she could for us. She went to every soccer game, every cheer-leading competition, bought me a prom dress, everything. I also trusted her. I could talk to her in a way that most kids couldn't talk to her parents. She knew about my friends, boys in my life, I even told her about losing my virginity. Everything. During all of this time - I would describe her as a functional alcoholic. She drank every day, but she still functioned as well. She went to work, she cooked, she cleaned, she was a mom. And a good one at that. But by the time I had started college her drinking had gotten worse and she went through some kind of midlife crisis (I guess we would call it). She lost her job. Lost a relationship with her sister due to a family feud (that I honestly do take her side on, btw). And she gained a relationship with a man who is so completely horrid that I can't even describe my disdain for him. He is a drug addict and abusive. Long story short (because getting into the nitty-gritty might just be TMI) the past four years she was in and out of jail - all DUI charges. I was there for her through all of it. Every two weeks I went to visit and brought her everything she needed. I gave her money, sent her letters, brought her dinner. I was the only one that was ever there for her. We had a plan. When she got out she was to move in with my Grammy (who is 91) and take care of her. Well not even a month into moving in she let her boyfriend move in - we all thought they had broken up. All hell broke out in the family. She broke her probation, went back to jail and blamed it on us. We have hardly spoken since. I sent her a very long winded letter about how I can't do it anymore. I can't be her support. She needs to take care of herself, blah, blah, blah. I also went into detail about how that man will never be part of my life and listed all of the things she will miss out on if she chooses to be with him. I told her when I have kids they will not be allowed to be around him, that when I get married he will not be welcome at my wedding, that I will never spend holidays with her if he is there, etc, etc, etc.  So basically she choose to be with this man sorry excuse for a man instead of part of a family that supported her through everything. The last time we spoke was for three minutes on my birthday, in October. Why three minutes? Because she had to hang up - she was using up her cell phone minutes.

So that about sums it up. That is my sad little tale.

I don't hate my parents. In all honesty I love both of them very much. I will forgive my mom eventually - she just needs to work at it. Unfortunately, she isn't. She isn't putting the effort in. So why should I?  I'll tell you this though I worry about my mom each and every day.

The reason I don't reach out anymore. Is because I don't want to be hurt anymore.

When life kicks you down... you get back up and you are a better person for it. My parents didn't teach me much in life, but they did teach me what I didn't want to be. I didn't want to be them. I wanted to be better. And I am. Everything I have in my life - I have because I worked my ass off to get it and you know what? I bet I appreciate it way more than the kids who had those parents who paid their ways through school and bailed them out anytime they were in trouble.






In light of it being Dr. Seuss' birthday - this quote seemed appropriate.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” ~ Dr Seuss

Day 3: Your first love

When I was a 16 year-old melodramatic basket case I had this quote written in permanent marker on the back of my door (...you could still see it even when we attempted to paint over it):

"The heart does heal and you will love like this again... only when you do, you will deny ever loving like this before." 

Now I will admit, most of my teen years were spent in turmoil, like most teens. I had my fair share of heartbreaks and let downs from boys in life.  I have also had my fair share of boyfriends. I have always been a boyfriend-girl even from the early points in life.  When I was in kindergarten... I came home from the first day of school and wildly exclaimed, "I FINALLY have a boyfriend".... Then when I was in the fifth grade my bus-driver told me I was "fickle"... when I went home and asked my mom what that meant she said, "it means you change your mind a lot" I thought about this for a moment and then asked "why would she say that?" my mom coyly responded with, "well who is your boyfriend today?"

But I digress. I don't think I ever truly understood the meaning of love back then (when I was 5, when I was 10, or when I was 16) I don't think anyone does really. Even if you marry your high school sweetheart, when you are 16 how can you possibly know it's real, it's forever?? Through all my life I have stayed true to this particular quote. I think throughout your life you grow and change and the person that you are ultimately meant to be with becomes your true love... so it is kind of hard for me to define what my first love truly is without defining what exactly love means to me. What I am trying to say is even at all those moments in your life when you "think it's love" it really isn't because the love of your true love is far beyond any feelings you could have felt for anyone that came before him(/her). That's why 10 years later I still believe in that quote that I held so dear to me when I was a 16 year old nutcase!

But before you all start thinking I am trying to dodge the question at hand... I do have someone I suppose I would consider my first love. When I started college, I met a boy. Living in the dorms you are in very close proximity to everyone and for that reason our relationship progressed quickly, much too quickly. At the time I also had a lot of family problems going on at home and his parents were living many states away. At age 19 I moved into an apartment with him. Our relationship was a roller-coaster. It was hot and cold constantly. He was mean. I didn't have any friends, any self-worth, or any life of my own when I was with him. But because he was there for me during a tough time in my life I thought that it was love. I thought we would work through the difficult times and things would get better and we would be together always. Of course, it didn't turn out that way and I thank my lucky stars everyday now. He got transferred for work and didn't even take me into consideration when it happened, so we split up and went our separate ways. It was wonderful. I grew into my own person, got a whole bunch of new friends and reconnected with old.  Looking back on it I can't even imagine that at one point in time I actually believed that was love.

Now, I'm with Jonathan and I could not ask for more. Now for the first time in my life I know what love really is. We have a partnership, an understanding, compassion, and we are best friends. So that's why I still believe in that quote because now that I'm with him... I know that everything that came before him was all fabrication, it wasn't love. Not real love anyway. So I guess in a way... my first love is my true love. My only love.