When I started this blog it was mainly because I was in a funk. Well more than a funk.... I was... emotional, depressed,
drowning in my own self pity, generally fed up with life. I started this blog to gain some perspective - to focus on the positive aspects of life. Now - I can't really attribute my "feeling better about life" lately to my actual blogging... since it seems to be few and far between that I actually sit down and focus on blogging, but nevertheless I am happy to report that overall I do feel much more content in life. (holey run-on sentence Batman!)
The summer was hard. Which is odd - because I genuinely love the summer. But not having a job and the bullshit with my mom being so fresh I just wasn't dealing with disappointment very well. And for a few months there I felt like every time I turned around I was disappointed by something else - my mother, my family, my job, myself.... What's funny is - nothing has really changed since the summer. I still really don't have a job and things are still pretty much on the outs with my mom. I'm still stressed about money. I still worry about the future. But I think I have developed a more "zen-like" attitude to all these
failures mishaps in life.
Here is what has changed since the summer:
- One I'm working - Granted I don't really have a full time job per say, but I am substituting in Dracut nearly every day. So I am busy and I am making some money. Not as much as I would like, but enough to get by that I'm not a complete stress maniac. I'm also enjoying substituting much more than I originally thought I would. I like the schools I sub at and I'm getting to know a lot of people... which could be helpful come next year when I apply for a job (yet again) in Dracut. I think in general keeping busy - regardless of what it is that is keeping you busy - will also keep you happy or at the very least distracted.
- Two I'm not seeing a counselor anymore. Now some might thing that this is a bad thing and because I was so stressed and upset and depressed that I should have continued to see my counselor. I disagree. I have decided that therapy is complete crap (unless you have major issues and you feel that it does help you. I don't want to offend anyone.) For me though - it's complete and utter crap. I was seeing my counselor mainly because I couldn't deal with my issues anymore. I would break down and cry... I'd get upset anytime I thought about things too much. But I think that is stuff that you might just have to deal with on your own. It's simple shit really. So for simple shit, for shit that really can't be fixed... therapy is pointless.... The only real fix to the simple shit is to deal with it head on. Seeing my counselor every two weeks had negative effects on me. It simply made me dwell on shit that I just can't change (mainly my mother). I think my new way of dealing with it is much better for my mental health. What happens will happen... and none of that is my fault. My mother made certain decisions and all that happens after those decisions were made are consequences she will have to deal with... that I should in no way feel guilty for. So if she doesn't understand why I don't want to dive into a relationship with her again.. that's her cross to bare. She has to deal, not me (well I have to deal too... but this is how I have decided to deal for now).