Monday, March 21, 2011

New Hair!

I have totally not been in the blogging mood lately. I'm sorry for my absence. Hopefully I will jump back onto my blogging train this week.... but until then. What do you think of my new hair???

Blond and Red Streaks!!!

When you look at it from the top it looks a little drastic.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


So as some of you know from my Being a Maid of Honor  post that I am the Maid of Honor in my cousin Jeni's wedding. Jeni is also the best friend I referred to in a recent post

Being a Maid of Honor you have many duties. Planning the bridal shower, the Jack and Jill, the Bachelorette Party, and generally just being there for the bride for anything she could possibly need. (BTW I have loved every second of being my cousin's maid of honor) Among these jobs... I must also include a very important job. The speech.  I am of course expected to say a heartfelt speech at the wedding. Most would think that I spend my entire work day talking in front of people so this should come as a breeze... but I talk in front of 10 year olds... not a room full of 130+ guests at a wedding! It's very different.I also have this chronic condition when I get nervous... my entire chest turns bright red. So the girl in the purple dress who looks like a lobster - that'll be me! 

Anyways... I wrote a rough draft of my speech months ago. I happened to open it up today (since I should probably think about finalizing it since the wedding is like 3 weeks away!). I actually wrote this original speech on December 30th.  I read it over today... and though it AGAIN brought tears to my eyes... I really don't think I'm going to change a thing. I guess it really isn't all that difficult to write wonderful things about two amazing people in your life. 

Now let's just hope I can get through the entire speech at the wedding without crying. I'm doubting that. 

Maybe after the wedding I'll post a copy of the speech on my blog if my readers are interested. What do you think?

Day 12: Something you don't leave the house without

This is an extremely boring blog entry because I'm not really a person who feels compelled to ALWAYS bring something in particular with me when I leave the house. If I forget my phone - I won't go back for it, unless I know I'm going to be gone for a while. So I guess.... if I had to pick something that I never leave the house without.... I'd have to say....

My cell phone and  my keys.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Day 11: Favorite tv shows

I have lots of favorite TV shows. I love TV. Maybe a little too much. I watch such crap too... haha at least I can admit it though.

All time favorite has got to be:

Next, I'm a huge fan of:

Those two are my all time favorite tv shows... But I also enjoy

I like other shows as well. But these are all my favorites. I know I have horrible taste. I admit it :)

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Day 10: Something you're afraid of

Today is again... not a lazy Sunday. I will be spending the majority of my day finishing up my report cards. Ugh. All teachers know that one of the worst parts of the job is having to correct work constantly.... and having to do report cards. It's the comments that kill you. I have to write 21 positive comments on report cards. Long ass day today will be. So those of you who think we are lucky because our work day ends at 3 - it doesn't we always bring work home. And those of you who think we are so lucky to have three vacations and summer's off... if we didn't have this time off we would become so burnt out and your kids would be better off learning from a rock....

But since I know you are ALL dying to know what I'm afraid of here it is..... 

Nope. Not bugs, or snakes, or heights, or death.... I'm afraid of this: 

I'm afraid that I'm going to be a substitute teacher forever and never have my own classroom. Granted my job right now is more than just subbing. I am their teacher now and for the rest of the school year, but I'm still "filling in". Come September I will be jobless again...and spend my summer interviewing and searching again. I just fear that I am never going to catch that break, that I'm never going to be hired permanently.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend

Best friends. I have always, always had a hard time with this concept.
Let me explain -

I have always been the girl who just can't seem keep a best friend - I think that's the best way I can describe it. I wasn't the girl who met her first friend in kindergarten and stayed friends forever. I've been through countless numbers of "best friends" since I was five years old. Maybe it was me, maybe it was them... but that is neither here nor there. What I personally believe has been the cause of all my friendship dilemmas is that "three is a crowd". I have always had these wonderful friendships and then the friendship somehow manages to grow into three girls, which leads to bickering and bitchiness. I've learned that when three girls are friends there are always instances of cattiness and back-stabbing. I will admit to being both the victim and the perpetrator - both roles are shitty experiences.

As I grew-up and matured I realized that most of the situations I continued to let myself get dragged into were completely toxic. It's sad, painful, and upsetting to have not only one person you thought you could trust, but two turn on you completely. So now in my many different circle of friends - I have no real best friend. I just have a lot of equally awesome friends. 

Around the time that a bunch of misery happened in the friendship department I became closer with my cousin Jeni again. We have always been close. Growing up our parents were very close, so in turn we were close. (that is one thing we can both thank our whack-job parents for!) We would spend weekends together, vacations at our grandparents playing with our Barbies and decorating their driveway in sidewalk chalk. But of course there were still times when we would drift in and out of each others lives, but we always found our way back. A few years back we had a lot of family drama occur and it brought us closer than I could ever imagine. We dealt with goodbyes and heartaches. Through it all, we were by each others side.  Since then our bond is unbreakable. I don't think we will ever again go through a time in our lives when we "drift" again. We have dinner and wine nights once a week, usually visit our grandmother every sunday, and I'm the maid of honor in her wedding. And when I take the plunge, she will be mine.

It took me until I was about 23 or 24 to realize it, but Jeni has been my best friend from the day I was born. Which is so unbelievably fitting - my family is so important to me. You may not realize this if you read my about my parents, but the people in my family who have been there day in and day out - they are the most important people in my life. Jeni has been more than a best friend. We don't fight, we don't bicker, we don't back-stab. We are just there for each other no matter what. We love each other unconditionally. She is the sister I never had, my therapist, my confidant, my absolute best friend.  

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Day 8: A place you've traveled to

This one is super easy for me because unfortunately, I have hardly traveled at all in my whole life.

This past year I went to Disney World with Jonathan and his family. It was my first time in Florida. Here is a favorite pic of my in front of the castle:

Monday, March 7, 2011

Day 7: Favorite movies

This is such a difficult topic for me! It should be simple, but it’s not. I love movies. All movies. I don’t think I really have any movies in my life that are the end all, be all of movies. I don’t think I really have any movies that particularly stand out above the rest. I like everything too - kids movies, chick-flicks, drama, action, horror, comedy, documentary, etc.

So I will do my best to give you a list (some are bundled together based on similarity or actor). But my favorites change constantly. So this is difficult.

  •  All of the "Harry Potter" movies (even if they aren’t nearly as good as sitting down and reading the books) I’m in love with Harry Potter weekends on ABC family. 
  • "27 Dresses", "The Holiday", "The Notebook", "Love Actually", "Definitely, Maybe", "In Her Shoes", "The Last Kiss" (I’ll watch basically any chick-flick)
  •  "The Shawshank Redemption" (This is Jonathan’s favorite movie. I watched it with him for the first time ever. And it really is fantastic)
  •  "Inception", "Shutter Island", "The Departed" (I also love basically all Leonardo Dicaprio movies. He is probably my most favorite actor)
  • All 3 "Toy Story" movies, "Monsters Inc", "Finding Nemo" (I love Pixar movies)
  • "Little Mermaid", "Aladdin", "Beauty & the Beast", "Cinderella" (my childhood favs)
  • "Back to the Future" (1, 2, & 3)
  • "The Breakfast Club"
  • "Stand By Me"
  • "Forrest Gump" 

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy

A nice easy blog for a not-so-lazy Sunday. I usually enjoy my lazy Sundays, but today I cleaned a ton, planned a whole bunch for school, organized myself to start report cards soon and corrected all the uncorrected work I had piling up. Here are a picture of a few things that make me happy:

The beach - although I'm sad to say I have never been anywhere tropical.     

My family

The wonderful man in my life

and last but not least, my kitty Diablo.     

I have plenty of things in my life that make me happy. These were just to name a few :)

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Day 5: A song to match your mood

Yesterday's post was a hard one to write. I am very grateful for the wonderful responses I got regarding it. Thank you all for being supportive and compassionate. I also got an email from a friend who told me she can certainly relate to a lot of what I said. We chatted a bit on the phone today and it is nice to know that even though the circumstances are not identical that someone sort of understands the pain my parents have caused.

With that said... my song of choice today is:

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Day 4: Your Parents

Sorry for my short blogging hiatus. I will be completely honest with you - it is 100% due to the fact that I have been completely procrastinating on this particular blog topic. When I ventured out into this 30 Day Challenge I had good intentions to tell my stories using full disclosure as much detail as I could consciously muster up.

**Disclaimer** If you are someone who believes a blog shouldn't be too personal. Then stop reading... because this blog is about as personal as it gets. It's raw, painful, sad, and truth.

If it were only this simple.

First of all, I like to start off by saying I did not create the blogger topic list myself. I Googled "30 Day Blog Challenge" and found it. With that said, I can only assume that the person who created the list figured that blogging about your parents should not be too difficult or too personal. I bet the person who created the list had those kind of parents who were supportive and wonderful; people that they can always turn to. But maybe I shouldn't assume... I sure don't want to be called an ass.

Anywho, I'm not a person who can describe my parents as wonderful, supportive, influential people. In all honesty, my parents are a complete mess and I am currently not on speaking terms with either one. So here are the basics. This is probably just about as personal as it gets - so I will do my best with the details.

My dad was a good man at some point in his life. At least I hope he was. I hope that when he married my mom and started our family that he really did want to be a good dad. I think he tried. At first anyway. For as long as I can remember my dad has been an alcoholic. My parents split-up when I was seven. I used to spend the weekends with him and at the bright age of ten I decided to put an end to that since our weekend trips would always end at a bar. As a little kid I would plead with him to stop drinking. I would write him letters about how all I want is for him to stop. Nothing worked. He wouldn't stop. He became an embarrassment. I didn't want my friends to meet him. I told my mom not to invite him to my high school graduation party. By the time I was fifteen I made the decision that I was done with him. In the past eight years I have seen him a handful of times. Once I visited him in the hospital when he crashed into a school bus. Once I saw him at my Memere's wake. Once I saw him at the funeral. And once I saw him at the bank - when he surprisingly decided to sign his life insurance policy over to me. He is a mess. Aside from being an alcoholic he is also a drug addict. To be completely honest it shocks me that he is still alive. The way he destroys himself each and everyday. It is a miracle. The difference between my mom and dad though... is I have come to terms with who he is. I learned that he would never change when I was ten years old. So I stopped being hurt by it and I just dealt with it. It is what it is became my attitude. I'd love to be a little girl who has her dad's shoulder to cry on, but I'm not. I'm stronger because of it though.

My mom is a good person with a good heart. I will never deny that. She is also an alcoholic and also one of the most selfish people I know. Maybe she is so selfish because when we were kids she was so selfless, but aren't you supposed to be that way with your kids? My mom was my best friend up until I was about seventeen. She was there for me whenever I needed her. Despite the fact that she was a single mother with little money she honestly did the best she could for us. She went to every soccer game, every cheer-leading competition, bought me a prom dress, everything. I also trusted her. I could talk to her in a way that most kids couldn't talk to her parents. She knew about my friends, boys in my life, I even told her about losing my virginity. Everything. During all of this time - I would describe her as a functional alcoholic. She drank every day, but she still functioned as well. She went to work, she cooked, she cleaned, she was a mom. And a good one at that. But by the time I had started college her drinking had gotten worse and she went through some kind of midlife crisis (I guess we would call it). She lost her job. Lost a relationship with her sister due to a family feud (that I honestly do take her side on, btw). And she gained a relationship with a man who is so completely horrid that I can't even describe my disdain for him. He is a drug addict and abusive. Long story short (because getting into the nitty-gritty might just be TMI) the past four years she was in and out of jail - all DUI charges. I was there for her through all of it. Every two weeks I went to visit and brought her everything she needed. I gave her money, sent her letters, brought her dinner. I was the only one that was ever there for her. We had a plan. When she got out she was to move in with my Grammy (who is 91) and take care of her. Well not even a month into moving in she let her boyfriend move in - we all thought they had broken up. All hell broke out in the family. She broke her probation, went back to jail and blamed it on us. We have hardly spoken since. I sent her a very long winded letter about how I can't do it anymore. I can't be her support. She needs to take care of herself, blah, blah, blah. I also went into detail about how that man will never be part of my life and listed all of the things she will miss out on if she chooses to be with him. I told her when I have kids they will not be allowed to be around him, that when I get married he will not be welcome at my wedding, that I will never spend holidays with her if he is there, etc, etc, etc.  So basically she choose to be with this man sorry excuse for a man instead of part of a family that supported her through everything. The last time we spoke was for three minutes on my birthday, in October. Why three minutes? Because she had to hang up - she was using up her cell phone minutes.

So that about sums it up. That is my sad little tale.

I don't hate my parents. In all honesty I love both of them very much. I will forgive my mom eventually - she just needs to work at it. Unfortunately, she isn't. She isn't putting the effort in. So why should I?  I'll tell you this though I worry about my mom each and every day.

The reason I don't reach out anymore. Is because I don't want to be hurt anymore.

When life kicks you down... you get back up and you are a better person for it. My parents didn't teach me much in life, but they did teach me what I didn't want to be. I didn't want to be them. I wanted to be better. And I am. Everything I have in my life - I have because I worked my ass off to get it and you know what? I bet I appreciate it way more than the kids who had those parents who paid their ways through school and bailed them out anytime they were in trouble.

In light of it being Dr. Seuss' birthday - this quote seemed appropriate.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” ~ Dr Seuss