Day 3: Your first love

When I was a 16 year-old melodramatic basket case I had this quote written in permanent marker on the back of my door (...you could still see it even when we attempted to paint over it):

"The heart does heal and you will love like this again... only when you do, you will deny ever loving like this before." 

Now I will admit, most of my teen years were spent in turmoil, like most teens. I had my fair share of heartbreaks and let downs from boys in life.  I have also had my fair share of boyfriends. I have always been a boyfriend-girl even from the early points in life.  When I was in kindergarten... I came home from the first day of school and wildly exclaimed, "I FINALLY have a boyfriend".... Then when I was in the fifth grade my bus-driver told me I was "fickle"... when I went home and asked my mom what that meant she said, "it means you change your mind a lot" I thought about this for a moment and then asked "why would she say that?" my mom coyly responded with, "well who is your boyfriend today?"

But I digress. I don't think I ever truly understood the meaning of love back then (when I was 5, when I was 10, or when I was 16) I don't think anyone does really. Even if you marry your high school sweetheart, when you are 16 how can you possibly know it's real, it's forever?? Through all my life I have stayed true to this particular quote. I think throughout your life you grow and change and the person that you are ultimately meant to be with becomes your true love... so it is kind of hard for me to define what my first love truly is without defining what exactly love means to me. What I am trying to say is even at all those moments in your life when you "think it's love" it really isn't because the love of your true love is far beyond any feelings you could have felt for anyone that came before him(/her). That's why 10 years later I still believe in that quote that I held so dear to me when I was a 16 year old nutcase!

But before you all start thinking I am trying to dodge the question at hand... I do have someone I suppose I would consider my first love. When I started college, I met a boy. Living in the dorms you are in very close proximity to everyone and for that reason our relationship progressed quickly, much too quickly. At the time I also had a lot of family problems going on at home and his parents were living many states away. At age 19 I moved into an apartment with him. Our relationship was a roller-coaster. It was hot and cold constantly. He was mean. I didn't have any friends, any self-worth, or any life of my own when I was with him. But because he was there for me during a tough time in my life I thought that it was love. I thought we would work through the difficult times and things would get better and we would be together always. Of course, it didn't turn out that way and I thank my lucky stars everyday now. He got transferred for work and didn't even take me into consideration when it happened, so we split up and went our separate ways. It was wonderful. I grew into my own person, got a whole bunch of new friends and reconnected with old.  Looking back on it I can't even imagine that at one point in time I actually believed that was love.

Now, I'm with Jonathan and I could not ask for more. Now for the first time in my life I know what love really is. We have a partnership, an understanding, compassion, and we are best friends. So that's why I still believe in that quote because now that I'm with him... I know that everything that came before him was all fabrication, it wasn't love. Not real love anyway. So I guess in a way... my first love is my true love. My only love.

Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name

Those of you who have been following me from the start of this whole blogging journey know that my blog name wasn't always "Life's Little Stepping Stones". I changed my name a back in January (so really not all that long ago). I wrote a post about my decision at the time entitled What's in a name? . You can check it out to get the jist of why I decided to chuck the name "Back to Square One". But the short version is that my blog was meant to be positive and I decided describing myself as a person at "square one" wasn't exactly positive. I was never at square one. I'm in love, I have a roof over my head, and I have a career.

So after taking suggestions from friends and followers I came up with a new concept, which of course was, "Life's Little Stepping Stones".  I decided on this name because I honestly felt that everything in my life is sort of temporary, but I think that is what life is really. You have to take a whole bunch of little steps to get exactly where you want to be. Then by that point your goals have evolved even further and you need to take even more steps. Hence, "Life is about each and every step you take".

Take my job for instance - I have been out of school for 3 years and still do not have permanent work, BUT I have taken a whole bunch of little steps in the right direction to succeed in my goal. Eventually, I will have my own classroom and have stability in a school district, but it is taking some extra steps to get there. Another example - our apartment. Jonathan and I live in a nice two bedroom apartment. Is it our life's goal to live here forever? No, of course not. But it is part of our journey. We are here until we take the right amount of steps in the right direction to owning our own home. Same thing with our relationship... we have been together for over two and half years and we are happy and content at the moment. We are in no rush to get married and in no rush to have kids. All of those things that will encompass our future need to be reached in steps, not leaps.

As for the stepping stones... well some steps are harder to take than others. Some steps you need to prepare your mind a bit, so that you don't end up tripping and falling into the water with a giant splash!  And if you do have a misstep, that's okay too... because we grow and change because of our missteps, our mistakes. It takes courage and strength to pick ourselves up and dry ourselves off... and it even takes a little courage to laugh at our klutzy-ass selves.

I hope all of "Life's Little Stepping Stones" lead me to greatness and happiness.

Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts

I decided to do this whole challenge thing because I was really looking for something to get my creative juices flowing. Mainly so I could really get back to writing about things that matter. When I first started my blog my intentions were to blog about things that were stressful or things that I just needed to get off my chest. When I started. it was about me and life's difficulties. Lately it has been about random funny shit... or it's been about bitching about work. I want to get back to the basics and write about things that matter. So my intentions of this challenge is to give my readers the opportunity to get to know me... and to give me the opportunity to open up a little bit more about all the shit that really matters. Because that's what life is made of. The shit that counts. Poetic isn't it?

So.... recent photo: 

This is me right around Christmas. Recent enough?

15 INTERESTING FACTS: 

1. My name is Tracy. Only those closest to me call me Trace. If you are not close to me and you call me Trace I find it extremely weird. 
2. My favorite # is 22. I don't really have a reason except that I like 2's, but only when they are together. 
3. I have had two cats in my life that I would describe as my own. Both black. Both named after the devil - Damien and Diablo. No I'm not a Satanist.
4. Teaching is my passion. But on hard days - I admit to questioning the path I have chosen to follow. 
5. I hate Peas. 
6. My brothers are two of the most important people in my life. Even though I don't think they realize it. 
7. I wish I was talented, but I'm not. I can't play an instrument or sing, I'm not an artist. I'm just ordinary.
8. When I'm nervous, excited, frazzled, upset, or any potential emotion that gets my adrenaline running my neck and chest breaks out in hives. (getting through observations in Grad School was a nightmare). 
9. I worry about my mother each and every day - even though I pretend not to care. 
10. When liquid drips on my windshield I feel compelled to turn on the windshield wipers... I can't stand looking at the long stream of water dripping down the center of the window. 
11. I'm horrible at keeping in touch with people... I try, I really do. I just suck at it. 
12. Sometimes my favorite nights with Jonathan are spent in pj's, cuddling on the couch, annoying each other in silly ways.
13. Growing up I was constantly surrounded by guys - hence why I was a huge tomboy. 
14. I could live off soup and pasta.
15. Even though most of my family has let me down in such catastrophic ways - it makes me believe that the ones that are still here everyday are utterly amazing. 

Trixie's Night Life

Last night was a little bit silly. So I thought I would breifly share the escapades before I get started on my Blogger Challenge tomorrow.

Being a waitress at a restaurant/pub I see a lot of interesting people come and go throughout the night. Last night - was certainly a night for all the crazies to come out. It was a relatively busy night, but not overall insane or anything. I made good money but didn't feel like I was running ragged all night long. Those are my favorite kinds of nights.

So I had a party of four come in around 8 o'clock. They had clearly been out drinking prior to hitting the good ol' PHG. They ordered some appetizers and beers and were generally just a happy bunch of people. But definitely extremely intoxicated and extremely loud. We had a musician last night and they were screaming out requests at him left and right. Luckily I only had two tables and my other table was a sweet couple who told me "You can't see side shows like this in Boston!". Throughout the entire experience I gritted my teeth and kept on smile being the "good little waitress". The creepy old men kept telling me how beautiful I am.. and asking me if I had a boyfriend. All four of them kept forgetting my name. At one point they named me Trixie. So I figured that must just be my alter-ego that comes out at night to get a little wild.  Either that - or I resemble a hooker or porn star.

Clearly, this story isn't all that exciting. Just odd. I thought I would share. haha.

Also... after I finished my shift I went to a little dive bar in my town that my friends and I all hang out at. On Saturday night they do kareokee and we all get silly and sing, drink beers, play pool, and laugh. Last night was the "beach party" and I won a bottle of wine doing the limbo. I'm not gonna lie - I was pretty proud.

Did I mention all three winners, myself included, were about the size of this dog?

Overall - it was a great night for Trixie.

Challenge!

First - I would like to thank everyone for your kind words on my post yesterday. I appreciate all your thoughts regarding my posts about school. Most of you indicated that you didn't think what I was writing about was too much to worry about. However, I have decided to stick with my gut and just keep work where it belongs - at work. Hopefully I will find some inspiration to spice up my blog with other interesting topics to fill that void. 

Second - It's February vacation!! Hallelujah! **Does Happy Dance** I think both the kids and I need breaks from one another. I'm hoping for a fresh start once we get back. 

Third - Since I am having a difficult time finding inspiration, I am going to try a 30 Day Blog Challenge. To be honest, when I first noticed other bloggers participating in these challenges I thought it was sort of a cop-out. But with my current blogger frustration I have realized that a challenge may just provide me with the inspiration I'm looking for. So for the next 30 days enjoy getting to know me through this fun challenge: 

Day 0: The 30 Day Challenge Explanation and Description
Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts
Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3: Your first love
Day 4: Your parents
Day 5: A song to match your mood
Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7: Favorite movies
Day 8: A place you've traveled to
Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend
Day 10: Something you're afraid of
Day 11: Favorite tv shows
Day 12: Something you don't leave the house without
Day 13: Goals
Day 14: A picture of you last year - how have you changed?
Day 15: Bible verse
Day 16: Dream house
Day 17: Something you're looking forward to
Day 18: Favorite Place to Eat
Day 19: Something you miss
Day 20: Nicknames
Day 21: Favorite Picture of yourself ALL TIME Why?
Day 22: What's in your purse?
Day 23: Favorite Movie
Day 24: Something you've learned
Day 25: Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26: Your Dream Wedding
Day 27: Original Photo of the city you live in
Day 28: Something that stresses you out
Day 29: 3 Wishes
Day 30: a picture of yourself this day and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge

Last - Please be aware that I probrably will not blog for 30 consecutive days, but I will be sure to cover all of these topics within 30 seperate posts. I may throw a random post in as well here or there (if I get inspired). 

Blogger Frustration

I'm not sure how many of you had a chance to read my blog yesterday before I deleted it, but it talked about a lot of school related aggravation. The main reason I deleted it is because writing about school is something that makes me consistently anxious. I write the blog... feel good getting my irritation out and then I drive myself mad with worry that someone (i.e. principal, colleagues, parents) might read it, which could lead me to trouble at work. I have tried to find a happy medium when posting about school. I thought if I kept things genuinely bland then it would be okay. Another joy of being a teacher - being paranoid that people will find incriminating things on the inter-webs about you. With that said - I have decided that from this point on I would leave my work related business out of my blog. I will no longer be telling you - the good, the bad, the ugly or even the funny things that occur in my school day from this day forward.

Unfortunately - this leaves me in blogger frustration. I have always thought my school stories were interesting (or at least entertaining) topics for people to read about. Currently teaching is such a huge part of my life. I'm new to this job, new to this school and I'm learning and growing everyday. I feel like a huge percent of my day consists of thinking about, worrying about and talking about school.... I'm not sure what to blog about if I remove it from my blog topics.

So until I get a life that's a bit more interesting I'm not sure how much you will hear from me.... 

What would you like to hear about? Any suggestions?

Am I a nice teacher, or what?

Happy Valentine's Day to my fifth graders :)

They each get a personalized bag filled with goodies (okay - maybe not filled, but I make LESS than teacher's salary, so I really can't go too crazy!). Any-who - in the bag is a pencil, a pencil sharpener, a few glittery foam heart stickers and a free homework pass!

For A

What a week it has been. It looks like I have just about survived a FULL week of work. Imagine that. Tomorrow - and that's a full 5 days! Although... at this very moment I feel like I have barely survived.

Amy from Everyday A insisted that I make a blog entry today since I have been MIA for a week. This was her text message and I quote "so I have a blog typed and ready to go about accomplishing a 30 before 30 item... but I am holding it hostage until you post a blog". THEN She messaged me on Face-book and even provided me with these clever blog topics: 

• you don't tell other people how to do their job why are parents telling you how to teach? 
• Well - I sure as hell don't know. But it's pretty damn aggravating. I don't even want to get into the logistics of how utterly pissed off and discourage I became today. But I would like to address this thought - Anyone who thinks dealing with 21 kids all day long. Try dealing with their wack-job parents.  Today I learned that I am a mean teacher... interesting huh? I thought so.

• why you are psyched for Valentine's Day?
• This one is simple. I'm really not. We don't do much. Candy, flowers, maybe go to dinner. It's just another day. I was excited about it because of school - but now I'm bitter and angry about school and can't wait till February vacation.

• kids are dumb...then give reasons.
• They're not. Their parents are.

• crazy commuter traffic stories.
• I don't want to even talk about commuter traffic. What pisses me off more than commuter traffic though, is the people that bitch about it.

• how awesome I am.
• You are pretty damn awesome. And I miss our Panera dates! Any of my new followers that haven't checked out Everyday A totally should. She is funny, charismatic, and always has random fun blogs.

• the best bar story you have.
• I can't think of any really great bar stories at this exact moment. I will definitely have to revisit this as a blog topic in the future though.

• how I am peer pressuring you into posting.
• You totally are. What a bully. I'm reporting you.

And because no blog is complete without a picture. I leave you with a comic that just says it all: 

Snow Day #4

 

Today I:

1. Slept till 10
2. Woke up - cooked bacon, egg, and cheese sandwiches. 
3. Attempted to shower, during which the shower became a slow drip while I was washing my hair!
4. Continued to eat the rest of the bacon ALL day.
5. Watched The Last Song and let my hate for Miley Cyrus grow. She ruined a great book.
6. Worked on science experiments in my kitchen. (I have to test everything before I let the students try it out.)
7. Cleaned up the mess I made with food coloring... and got a little nervous about 5th graders making an even bigger mess in my classroom when they experiment. 
8. Dealt with the fact that our water looked like this today:
9. Shoveled my car out AGAIN.... 
10. Then we ordered dinner - since we are snowed-in with no food! 

Clearly I had such a productive day.

Conclusion: Snow = Lazy.

Irrational Panic

Do you ever have those moments of complete irrational panic? When 3 thousand thoughts flash through your mind in the matter of seconds? What causes that? What makes our brains move that quickly when we panic?

Yesterday I was driving and as I was about to pull into the laundromat to pick up my clothes, I drove through a cloud of smoke. In the matter of 3 seconds here are the irrational thoughts I had: 

1. Oh  my god! is the laundromat on fire!?
2. Oh my god! I can't afford to buy all new clothes!
3. Would I get some kind of $$ from the laundromat if that was the case? 
4. ... like insurance or something? 
5. oh oh oh it would be fun to go on shopping spree!
6. ...hmm... wait a second....*sniffs air* that smells more like burning rubber. 
7. Okay... so I don't think the laundromat is on fire... but maybe... 
8. Holy Shit! Is my car on fire!?

Finally... I reach the parking spot. I jump out of my car and take a look at my  hood... no smoke. I also checked my exhaust... looked all clear there...

At last I experience a rational though - 

....oooooh some jack-ass must have been being all big and tough and attempted to peel-out at the stop sign. Hence the smell of burning rubber, hence the smoke. Stupid idiots.

Panic. It's a funny emotion.