Thursday, February 24, 2011

Day 3: Your first love

When I was a 16 year-old melodramatic basket case I had this quote written in permanent marker on the back of my door ( could still see it even when we attempted to paint over it):

"The heart does heal and you will love like this again... only when you do, you will deny ever loving like this before." 

Now I will admit, most of my teen years were spent in turmoil, like most teens. I had my fair share of heartbreaks and let downs from boys in life.  I have also had my fair share of boyfriends. I have always been a boyfriend-girl even from the early points in life.  When I was in kindergarten... I came home from the first day of school and wildly exclaimed, "I FINALLY have a boyfriend".... Then when I was in the fifth grade my bus-driver told me I was "fickle"... when I went home and asked my mom what that meant she said, "it means you change your mind a lot" I thought about this for a moment and then asked "why would she say that?" my mom coyly responded with, "well who is your boyfriend today?"

But I digress. I don't think I ever truly understood the meaning of love back then (when I was 5, when I was 10, or when I was 16) I don't think anyone does really. Even if you marry your high school sweetheart, when you are 16 how can you possibly know it's real, it's forever?? Through all my life I have stayed true to this particular quote. I think throughout your life you grow and change and the person that you are ultimately meant to be with becomes your true love... so it is kind of hard for me to define what my first love truly is without defining what exactly love means to me. What I am trying to say is even at all those moments in your life when you "think it's love" it really isn't because the love of your true love is far beyond any feelings you could have felt for anyone that came before him(/her). That's why 10 years later I still believe in that quote that I held so dear to me when I was a 16 year old nutcase!

But before you all start thinking I am trying to dodge the question at hand... I do have someone I suppose I would consider my first love. When I started college, I met a boy. Living in the dorms you are in very close proximity to everyone and for that reason our relationship progressed quickly, much too quickly. At the time I also had a lot of family problems going on at home and his parents were living many states away. At age 19 I moved into an apartment with him. Our relationship was a roller-coaster. It was hot and cold constantly. He was mean. I didn't have any friends, any self-worth, or any life of my own when I was with him. But because he was there for me during a tough time in my life I thought that it was love. I thought we would work through the difficult times and things would get better and we would be together always. Of course, it didn't turn out that way and I thank my lucky stars everyday now. He got transferred for work and didn't even take me into consideration when it happened, so we split up and went our separate ways. It was wonderful. I grew into my own person, got a whole bunch of new friends and reconnected with old.  Looking back on it I can't even imagine that at one point in time I actually believed that was love.

Now, I'm with Jonathan and I could not ask for more. Now for the first time in my life I know what love really is. We have a partnership, an understanding, compassion, and we are best friends. So that's why I still believe in that quote because now that I'm with him... I know that everything that came before him was all fabrication, it wasn't love. Not real love anyway. So I guess in a way... my first love is my true love. My only love.


  1. Maybe in twenty years I'll know if and when I was in love.

  2. Awwwww!! I love you both :-)

  3. Oh that is so sweet... I often think that your first love or your true love is with yourself, and then anything above that is a bonus... xxoo

  4. That was very nice. I needed a smile today. Johnathan is a very blessed young man.

  5. I answered this question on my blog - and I think I came to the same conclusion. :) First love = true love which is current. I love it. I saw my younger sister go through some boyfriends and wished I could help her out by just saying "I can tell he's not...because there is something about your 'true love'" but then again - you can't really be told or taught it.

    Anyway - great post!

  6. Great post! Thanks for visiting at Random Girl, thought I would return the favor. I'll be back!

  7. Beautiful and pretty romantic post! Will be back.