Pride.

Pride is defined in the following ways:

• a feeling of self-respect and personal worth
• satisfaction with your (or another's) achievements; "he takes pride in his son's success"
• the trait of being spurred on by a dislike of falling below your standards

When looking at the definition it seems that having pride is a good thing. But what about having too much pride? What happens when your pride makes you believe you deserve better or are worth more? Is that a good thing? Or is that a terrible thing? I have never thought of myself of having too much pride until I evaluated my current situation with a little more depth.

Don't get me wrong I openly admit that I have pride and I definitely don't think that is a bad thing. I am proud of myself for a variety of reasons. I work hard, I fight for what I want, and I have goals. I got myself through college and obtained two degrees with no help from my parents. I've been on my own since I was nineteen and been very independent and responsible. I think all of those things are great things to be proud of.

But what happens when your pride makes you not want to do things beneath what you feel you are capable of? Pride is "the trait of being spurred on by a dislike of falling below your standards". So should I not take a job below my "standards" or is that completely pig-headed of me? I hate substituting for this very reason! Because I feel like I am capable of so much more! Because I feel like the person's classroom who I am in could just as easily be mine if someone would just give me the chance!! I hated my job in Westford because I again felt like I was capable of so much more and I didn't get much respect. But then I'm the moron sitting here with no money feeling sorry for myself. I feel like my pride is what held me back from returning to Chelmsford last year. After I didn't get the fourth grade position that I wanted I shut down. My pride was hurt and I didn't want to be back in that town. Maybe if I had gone back and substituted all last year something would've opened up for me this year. My pride got the best of me and I lost touch with all my great friends/contacts I made in Chelmsford as well. Then again.. this year I leave Westford because I felt like I had no respect... maybe if I stayed and gained respect I would've slowly but surely moved up the ladder. (I won't dwell on the Westford one though - cause I don't want to work in that town anyways)...

So what I am getting at is do I have too much pride? Is that what is holding me back? Should I just accept that everyone deals with what I am dealing with? (even though that's not what it feels like when I see most people I graduated do have full time teaching jobs, and alas, I do not) Should I just start from my bottom and work my way up because that's just how it works! I guess where the pride gets to me the most.. is I thought I was doing that. I thought that I had already paid enough dues by now to be a full time teacher, but I guess not. I guess I just have to keep working up the ladder... I know that I should, and I know that I will do just that... but it sucks that pride can sometimes get the best of you. And I think at times during my career as a teacher it definitely has gotten the best of me.

Quotes about Pride Pride is a tricky, glorious, double-edged feeling. Pride is increased by ignorance; those assume the most who know the least. It's a fine thing to rise above pride, but you must have pride in order to do so. It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels.

Waking up

I would like to talk about the first few hours of every day (or Monday-Friday at least). So every morning Jonathan wakes up between 8 and 830 to get ready for work. He gets ready within 15 minutes cause he is a guy and can do that. He always comes back into the bedroom and kisses me goodbye and tells me to have a good day. At this point I usually am pretty much awake. My response is typically something like "okay baby - you too" and sometimes my response is "I wish I was going to work". 

So then he leaves and I lie in bed for about a 1/2 hour or so thinking how much it sucks to not be waking up and going to work like an adult. Then I fall back asleep till about 10/1030... because if I wake up an earlier than that then there are just more hours of my day that I have to keep myself busy. Not working sucks. It sucks for a lot of reasons... one reason is simple boredom. I have nothing to do all day long... and it makes me feel lazy. Even though I'm not. It's not like I'm laying on the couch all day getting fat or anything. I get up. I go to the gym. I usually run errands for a while or I clean the house.

Anyways.. I'm rambling I think. The two things that suck more than anything about not having a job are: 

 1. Just being bored all day. 

 2. Not having money to support myself - I hate being dependent on Jonathan. It's a sucky feeling. 

So this is where I get frustrated... because I could remedy these things by just getting a job. Not thinking about what I really want to do (teaching) and just getting any kind of job. I'm skilled and qualified. I have a college education. I wouldn't think it would be that hard to get a job doing something. Just so I'm busy and have an income again. This is the problem I am weighing constantly. Get any job doing something... or continue my never ending search for teaching? 

Jonathan and I have obviously had this conversation countless of times and he tells me he wants me to stick with the teaching. He wants me to substitute and hold out for something. But how long am I supposed to do that? How long am I supposed to wait for my phone to ring for sub calls and waitress on the weekends??? 

And then I think... if I wasn't with Jonathan... if I didn't have him to "take care of me" right now. Then what decision would I have made in regards to all of this? Should I just think that way and make a decision so that I have income again? I mean let's think... before I was with Jonathan, I lived with my brother, Dan for two years. Then I lived with a roommate in Shirley for one year. And prior to that I lived in Lowell with my ex and supported BOTH of us because he was so damn irresponsible with money. Since I was 19 I have never depended on anyone but myself. It's not fair to Jonathan to now be dependent on him. If I wasn't with Jonathan I would have had to done something by now, regarding a paycheck. Cause it's not like I could have run home to mommy and daddy like other people my age can. 

So what do I do? Do I accept his graciousness of wanting me to hold out on my dream? Or do I act like a responsible adult and find a job, any job?

Being Healthy.

So I have to say that I am pretty proud of myself. For the past two and half months I have been very good about working out regularly. Not only working out regularly, but being healthy about it. Not making it an obsession and not obsessing over calorie intake and calories burned. Just getting up every day going to the gym and getting a good work out in. It has made me feel really good too. More energized and more in control. With everything out of control lately... working out at least gives me a goal I feel like I can attain. Something I can focus my efforts on and see positive results. It's not even that I want to lose weight either. I just want to be healthy, be energized, and get tone. I love that sore muscle feeling. That feeling that makes me think "wow that workout kicked my butt yesterday". For instance, today both my arms and legs are sore. Tomorrow my abs will prob be sore.

The reason this occurred to me today.. is I was thinking of how obsessive I used to be and how unhealthy it was.When I was 18-20 I worked out all the time. My first year of college I dropped 20 pounds. This happened for a few reasons. 1) I wasn't eating enough. 2) I worked out way too much. 3) Family stress. and 4) An asshole boyfriend who made me feel like shit.

It makes me sad to think that I ever let someone dictate my life. It makes me sad to think that I had such low self esteem that I let it happen. It makes me sad that it ruined friendships and made it impossible to make new ones. And it makes me angry that at points I felt trapped because of circumstance... Although... with that said...  I know now looking back that I never completely lost myself in those years because it was me who eventually gave up. It was me who decided it should end. It was me who picked myself back up and put myself on the road to recovery. It was me who was strong enough to find myself again and fix all the things that had once been damaged (or in some cases TRY to fix things) I think it took me a few years to recover fully, but I think those bad experiences made me appreciate what I have now, that much more. 

Consequently.. I ended up gaining the 20 pounds back gradually over the past few years...I think as my heart mended and I enjoyed the simplicities of life (such as partying with friends and chocolate chip cookies) I gained the weight back.... But that doesn't even matter. I needed that to happen for me to become healthy again. Even with those 20 pounds I have never felt like the low self-esteem little girl I once was.  I think it helps that I don't feel like I look the same as I did when I started college. I think my weight is distributed much different now. And I'm curvier, more womanly... and my boobs grew, which is nice. I think it also helps that most people say I was too skinny back then.
 
Anyways.. I have been doing really well. I don't even really care if I lose weight. Not saying I wouldn't mind dropping 5-10 pounds, but that's not my goal. My goal is to be healthy.  I'm just happy to be working out and feeling productive and healthy. If I look fabulous by next summer, that's just an added bonus :) I do think I have already started toning up some areas and I would like to have my old abs back! (I think losing weight is also harder these days - because I enjoy my weekends. My drinks and my China Max and my Wendys!)

I'm happy to say I have come far in the past five years. I'm in a healthy relationship with a guy who makes me feel like a goddess each and every day. He tells me I'm beautiful, sexy, hot, and gorgeous. He treats me right and loves me for me, quirks and all. I have all my friends back that I had lost - well the ones that matter at least. And I have picked up a few extra buddies along the way. I have a much better self image. I'm much more confident. And all of my struggles have made me stronger.

"Challenges make life interesting, however, overcoming them is what makes life meaningful". - Mark Twain

questions.

Okay... so I know blogging after a night of drinking might not be the best idea. But I'm frustrated about stupid shit and I need to vent... so where else to do it, but on my blog. So... as you all know.... the fact that I don't have a teaching job tears me apart day by day. I hate it. I'm genuinely miserable because of it. And I know.. this blog is supposed to be about the positive aspects of life, but sometimes it's tough to see the bright side when the one thing you want more than anything feels almost unattainable!

Anyways... one of the most frustrating things about dealing with not having a job is the questions people ask. Now I understand that most people ask questions just to have casual conversation and to be nice.. and I ALWAYS respond in a very casual and in a nice manner, but sometimes the questions make me want to run out of the room screaming. This is how these horrific conversations always go:

Harmless caring person: So Tracy how's the beginning of your school year going?

Me: Oh... not so great. I don't have a job.

Harmless caring person: Oh, you don't? (looking slightly shocked) what happened to your job in Westford?

Me: Oh... I quit. It wasn't worth it, I wasn't making much money and it wouldn't of led to anything substantial.

Harmless caring person: (looking at me like I'm crazy for quitting my job and not having a back up)... ohhh... that stinks sorry. so nothing else has worked out huh?

Me: Nope.. I'm just going to sub and hope for the best...

Then the conversations typically ends or they ask a few more questions which I politely answer about the horrors of my interviews that panned out to zero jobs.   I don't fault the harmless caring person for making casual conversations with me... it's definitely not there fault, but these conversations always lead me to feel more like shit than I already do. It just reminds me.. that yes... I went to school for five years and yes I have two degrees and right now the best I can do is wish and hope and pray that my phone will ring so I can go and substitute for 60$ a day in hopes of possibly potentially paying my bills on my own this month... FUCK!

Dating a tech geek

So... My boyfriend is a total tech geek. Today he decided that in order for us to have better communication in our relationship on the on-goings of each others lives we should create a Google calendar to keep each other in the loop.  To most, this probably doesn't sound all that amusing and probably a really good idea. But if any of you could have been a fly on the wall as we organized our calendar I'm sure you would be chuckling. He said "NO! click here, set this, do this", "baby, you did it wrong", "go to the right of your screen... no that's the left" over and over and over again. haha... not my fault I'm not all the computer savvy like Mr. Sophos. Maybe a little my fault that I still don't know my left from right at age 26. Anywho... My main concern was that I wanted my events to be purple and his to be blue and he says we can't do that... so if you ask me, Google calendar's isn't all that smart! So on my calendar all events are purple on my screen.. on his computer screen they are blue... I guess that's good enough... Anyways... after synchronizing our lives via a technological device we did come to the conclusion that October is quite a busy month and maybe this organization is a smart idea. 

Speaking of being organized... This week I created a list to keep myself organized on accomplishments. I was fairly impressed with myself for getting done most things on the list.  Things I have yet to do include: 

• Exercising every day - but that was the exterminators fault, not mine. 
• I never did start a teacher portfolio, but in my defense diving into all of my teacher belongings is kind of depressing and I'm all about thinking positively these days. 
• I did not try the yoga videos Jonathan downloaded. I was going to today, but the xbox synchronizing thingy (haha - wouldn't my tech geek love my terminology) wasn't working. But instead I did yoga on demand which is something new to try. 
• I did not make good tips last night... only 28$. That was however out of my control... no customers in the restaurant = no $. Don't even get me started as to why that particular restaurant was lacking on customers.
• I did not talk to my mother, but I did attempt the phone call. Not my fault fuck-head answered the phone.

Okay so maybe not a COMPLETELY successful week, but I do feel positive about what I did accomplish! 

This is officially a bug free zone.

So after sitting around ALL day waiting for the exterminators, I am happy to report they gave us the all clear. It seems that we are bug free! Let's hope we stay that way! I am not happy to report that the exterminators said they would be here at 9 and then didn't get here till noon, which basically ruined my day. Didn't make it to the gym :(.  Quick vent: when you say nine, be here at nine!!!!

Excitement!

yaaaay! I'm so excited. Our flights are booked for our trip to Florida!!! :) I'm a big fan of lists lately. Here is a list of things to look forward to in October: 

1. Oktoberfest weekend in the mountains with Jonathan, Jeni and Mark. 
2. My Birthday!!
3. Trip to Florida (which includes all sorts of exciting things... among those - HARRY POTTER LAND!)
4. Halloween in Florida!
5. And not to sound so corny, but Fall! Awesome season :) 

Yay for October!

freaking out a bit

So I woke up this morning... and I have a few bites on my stomach. So naturally I tear my bed apart. Found one tiny teeny little bed bug underneath the bed. But who knows if there is more and how many! Ugh! Happy the exterminator is coming tomorrow... not happy that he will prob tell me I should have left the apartment in disarray for 2 weeks so he could easily spray again. Fuck fuck fuck.

Thinking Positively & Getting Organized

So here's a positive spin on the last entry... AT least I know it certainly wasn't about my interview skills. I think I was very justified in feeling positive about my performance in the interview. I am a great teacher and very personable. Some day some employer is going to realize that and I am going to land my dream job. Until that day comes I know that all these other jobs just aren't right for me anyways.. I'd rather work in a district who wants me for my qualifications, not because of who my mommy is. The district that realizes this will be lucky to have me :)

Things I want to accomplish this week:

1. Set up my account on sittercity.com for tutoring. 
2. Look into subbing for Tewksbury... I think I should try my luck at a district I have never worked in. 
3. Continue obsessively job searching (that's a given)
4. Start organizing a teacher portfolio. It's the one thing I don't have that maybe, just maybe will give me a better chance at an interview. 
5. Work out every day and do Yoga tonight. 
6. Actually try out the yoga videos Jonathan downloaded for me. 
7. Have a huge sigh of relief when the exterminator comes on Thursday and tells me my bed bugs are history. 
8. Make lots of tips on Thursday night at work.
9. Call my mom and begin the road to recovering my sanity when it comes to her. 
10. Attempt to blog everyday. 

<3 Tracy 

it's not what you know, it's who you know.

"It's not what you know, it's who you know". This is a sad truth I have learned on numerous occasions this year. More recently.... that job I didn't get last week that I was completely broken-hearted over. Found out through the rumor mill that the girl who got it is right out of college and her mother works in the district. How shocking! Maybe I should follow in my parents footsteps. Anyone got money for a 30 rack???

Done with wallowing

Okay it is clear that yesterday was a day for wallowing in self pity. I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is. Don't judge me... I know plenty of people that wallow in their own self pity from time to time. And just for the record I do think that I am pretty entitled to at least a little wallowing. However to help myself cope with no longer wallowing I'm going to make two lists. One list of reasons I have to wallow and one list of reasons I shouldn't wallow. My plan is that the no wallow list will be much longer and hence make me no longer wallow. So here it goes: 

Reasons to Wallow in Self Pity:

1. The job front. It's frustrating. EXTREMELY frustrating. I graduated over two years ago and I feel as though I am progressively moving backwards if that is even possible! I went from having a second grade classroom, to having a fifth grade classroom, to teaching at a job where I had 0 respect, to now substituting once again. I have been on more interviews than anyone I know... yet they have jobs and I don't. I would like to add that two days ago I thought all my dreams were coming true when I was called for an interview at the Englesby for a 6 grade position, the day before school started. On No! You know the saying "too good to be true"... it rings so true here. The hired another candidate. Maybe I really do just suck at teaching? Or I suck at interviewing? (even though I always feels it goes well - but who am I to say) Maybe I really do need a new career path??

2. My mother. My mother has been an increasingly big disappointment to me since I was about 17. We were best of friends prior to those years. But she is an alcoholic and dating a drug addict. The two are a lethal combination for complete and utter disaster. I spent the past two years or so by her side helping her through the difficult time of being in jail. I was her rock. Her biggest help... and took her less than a month out of jail to complete slap me and the face and dump everything I did for her right down the toilet. We haven't spoken since March. I eventually have to call her back since I got a voice mail a few weeks ago. I'm avoiding it. I need space.

3. Since I'm listing reasons... I might as well mention that my father is no prize either. Drug addict, alcoholic, sucks at life. Hasn't been part of mine since I was about 10.

4. I'm increasingly falling deeper and deeper into debt. I have zero money. Okay, that's a fib... I have 11$ in my checking account and way to many bills that are over due. And I recently started paying off my five years of college loans even though college apparently got me no where. Oh the joys. 

5. Most recent reason to wallow: BED BUGS! Are you fucking kidding me? As if I don't have enough reasons to be pissed off with the world I discover we have bed bugs. We threw out our mattress and box bring. Had to buy a new one. And now I will be a paranoid maniac for the rest of my life. Oh and doctors are stupid for not realizing my "hives" were actually reaction to bed bug bites. 

6. I'm a waitress and I HATE it with a passion. Granted this kinda falls under the same category as #1. But I felt it was worth mentioning that my weekends are sucked up by something that I loathe. 

7. Last but not least, it's just been a tough year. Being 25 sucks! I hate it. I'm so in between shit... at times I feel like I have no future. A lot of my family members are getting sick and dieing. 25 sucks (thank god I'll be 26 soon... although that doesn't sound too great either). 

And the silver lining is......

1. Okay.. so I don't have a job. But you know what I do have. I have a goal! And I have two degrees! Two! That's more than most people I know. At least I know what I want to do. At least I have the paper work needed to do what I want to do. Now I just need to hang on to my persistence and "can-do-attitude" and it will happen. I might be 30 but the time it does. But it WILL happen.

2. As for my mother... nothing positive to say about her at the moment. But I will say that I have some pretty fantastic family members that I love dearly. I'm grateful for becoming so close to my brother Dan in these past few years. Living together was the best thing imaginable for our relationship. He is the best brother a girl could ask for... and I know he is there for me in a heart beat when I need him. He is my proof that all people have good in them and all people can change. He has a huge heart and is amazing. My other brother, Pete and my (common-sister-in-law :) ) Jen. They are both amazing as well and so fun to be around. Jen is fantastic... and one of these days he better marry that girl ;). My cousin Jeni... she understands me better than anyone I know. She is the one person who knows when I'm being bitchy, to call me the next day and make sure I'm okay. She worries about me and I love her for that.

3. Okay so I have no money... but school has started and hopefully I will get a million calls to substitute and maybe even land a long term gig again. Having no money isn't a HUGE deal... and it is fixable. 

4. So I guess Bed Bugs aren't really a reason to wallow per say... just be slightly irritated. And again silver lining - New Bob-o-Pediac! and an apartment that has never been cleaner. Plus I'm 98% sure the bugs are gone... and I will know for complete sure on the 9th when the exterminator comes for his follow-up visit. 

5. Since this is about positive thinking. Waitressing isn't ALL bad either. Sometimes I make REALLY decent money. More money substituting to be honest... it's not consistent of course. But those really good nights are awesome. And most of the people I work with are alright I guess. At least I work with one of my best friends and almost always see all my friends when I get out of work. That's a positive spin on that for sure!

6. Wonderful friends. It's good to have friends that can help you laugh. My friends certainly do that. They even help me cope with bed bugs by making jokes about it :) 

7. My health. I'm healthy.

8. I also have Jonathan. To sound extremely corny, he is my knight in shining armor. Even when I am wallowing in my self pity.. he can typically pull me out of that and remind me of all the things I have to be thankful for. He is on the top of that list. 

~ Tracy ~

I promise other entries will not be nearly this long. 

Back to Square One

I would describe myself as a hard worker. As someone who has spent their life trying to be a good person. Trying to make a good life for myself. I would describe myself as a go-getter. A persistent person who is focused on my dreams and aspirations. I would describe myself as a survivor and a fighter. A person who gets back up after being kicked down time and time again. But today I don't feel like any of those things. Today I feel like a person who wants to curl up in a ball and stay there for a while at least. I think all of this job searching is only leading me to lose myself.... So here is to being back to square one with no job and feeling as if I have no future.