Sunday, September 19, 2010

Waking up

I would like to talk about the first few hours of every day (or Monday-Friday at least). So every morning Jonathan wakes up between 8 and 830 to get ready for work. He gets ready within 15 minutes cause he is a guy and can do that. He always comes back into the bedroom and kisses me goodbye and tells me to have a good day. At this point I usually am pretty much awake. My response is typically something like "okay baby - you too" and sometimes my response is "I wish I was going to work". 

So then he leaves and I lie in bed for about a 1/2 hour or so thinking how much it sucks to not be waking up and going to work like an adult. Then I fall back asleep till about 10/1030... because if I wake up an earlier than that then there are just more hours of my day that I have to keep myself busy. Not working sucks. It sucks for a lot of reasons... one reason is simple boredom. I have nothing to do all day long... and it makes me feel lazy. Even though I'm not. It's not like I'm laying on the couch all day getting fat or anything. I get up. I go to the gym. I usually run errands for a while or I clean the house.

Anyways.. I'm rambling I think. The two things that suck more than anything about not having a job are: 
 1. Just being bored all day. 
 2. Not having money to support myself - I hate being dependent on Jonathan. It's a sucky feeling. 

So this is where I get frustrated... because I could remedy these things by just getting a job. Not thinking about what I really want to do (teaching) and just getting any kind of job. I'm skilled and qualified. I have a college education. I wouldn't think it would be that hard to get a job doing something. Just so I'm busy and have an income again. This is the problem I am weighing constantly. Get any job doing something... or continue my never ending search for teaching? 

Jonathan and I have obviously had this conversation countless of times and he tells me he wants me to stick with the teaching. He wants me to substitute and hold out for something. But how long am I supposed to do that? How long am I supposed to wait for my phone to ring for sub calls and waitress on the weekends??? 

And then I think... if I wasn't with Jonathan... if I didn't have him to "take care of me" right now. Then what decision would I have made in regards to all of this? Should I just think that way and make a decision so that I have income again? I mean let's think... before I was with Jonathan, I lived with my brother, Dan for two years. Then I lived with a roommate in Shirley for one year. And prior to that I lived in Lowell with my ex and supported BOTH of us because he was so damn irresponsible with money. Since I was 19 I have never depended on anyone but myself. It's not fair to Jonathan to now be dependent on him. If I wasn't with Jonathan I would have had to done something by now, regarding a paycheck. Cause it's not like I could have run home to mommy and daddy like other people my age can. 

So what do I do? Do I accept his graciousness of wanting me to hold out on my dream? Or do I act like a responsible adult and find a job, any job?


  1. Hmm...I think you find $3.00 and we have coffee this week. Yes?

  2. I definitely think I can swing 3$ for a coffee! Let me know which day is good for you. I'm assuming your schedule is pretty much wide open like mine?

  3. tracy, this is kaleigh. i went through the exact same thing you're going through last year when i was out of work, lost about where to go with my future, and living off of chris. i'd really like to sit down and talk with you sometime because i think we'd learn a lot from each others' experiences with this bullshit economy.