Okay it is clear that yesterday was a day for wallowing in self pity. I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is. Don't judge me... I know plenty of people that wallow in their own self pity from time to time. And just for the record I do think that I am pretty entitled to at least a little wallowing. However to help myself cope with no longer wallowing I'm going to make two lists. One list of reasons I have to wallow and one list of reasons I shouldn't wallow. My plan is that the no wallow list will be much longer and hence make me no longer wallow. So here it goes:
Reasons to Wallow in Self Pity:
1. The job front. It's frustrating. EXTREMELY frustrating. I graduated over two years ago and I feel as though I am progressively moving backwards if that is even possible! I went from having a second grade classroom, to having a fifth grade classroom, to teaching at a job where I had 0 respect, to now substituting once again. I have been on more interviews than anyone I know... yet they have jobs and I don't. I would like to add that two days ago I thought all my dreams were coming true when I was called for an interview at the Englesby for a 6 grade position, the day before school started. On No! You know the saying "too good to be true"... it rings so true here. The hired another candidate. Maybe I really do just suck at teaching? Or I suck at interviewing? (even though I always feels it goes well - but who am I to say) Maybe I really do need a new career path??
2. My mother. My mother has been an increasingly big disappointment to me since I was about 17. We were best of friends prior to those years. But she is an alcoholic and dating a drug addict. The two are a lethal combination for complete and utter disaster. I spent the past two years or so by her side helping her through the difficult time of being in jail. I was her rock. Her biggest help... and took her less than a month out of jail to complete slap me and the face and dump everything I did for her right down the toilet. We haven't spoken since March. I eventually have to call her back since I got a voice mail a few weeks ago. I'm avoiding it. I need space.
3. Since I'm listing reasons... I might as well mention that my father is no prize either. Drug addict, alcoholic, sucks at life. Hasn't been part of mine since I was about 10.
4. I'm increasingly falling deeper and deeper into debt. I have zero money. Okay, that's a fib... I have 11$ in my checking account and way to many bills that are over due. And I recently started paying off my five years of college loans even though college apparently got me no where. Oh the joys.
5. Most recent reason to wallow: BED BUGS! Are you fucking kidding me? As if I don't have enough reasons to be pissed off with the world I discover we have bed bugs. We threw out our mattress and box bring. Had to buy a new one. And now I will be a paranoid maniac for the rest of my life. Oh and doctors are stupid for not realizing my "hives" were actually reaction to bed bug bites.
6. I'm a waitress and I HATE it with a passion. Granted this kinda falls under the same category as #1. But I felt it was worth mentioning that my weekends are sucked up by something that I loathe.
7. Last but not least, it's just been a tough year. Being 25 sucks! I hate it. I'm so in between shit... at times I feel like I have no future. A lot of my family members are getting sick and dieing. 25 sucks (thank god I'll be 26 soon... although that doesn't sound too great either).
And the silver lining is......
1. Okay.. so I don't have a job. But you know what I do have. I have a goal! And I have two degrees! Two! That's more than most people I know. At least I know what I want to do. At least I have the paper work needed to do what I want to do. Now I just need to hang on to my persistence and "can-do-attitude" and it will happen. I might be 30 but the time it does. But it WILL happen.
2. As for my mother... nothing positive to say about her at the moment. But I will say that I have some pretty fantastic family members that I love dearly. I'm grateful for becoming so close to my brother Dan in these past few years. Living together was the best thing imaginable for our relationship. He is the best brother a girl could ask for... and I know he is there for me in a heart beat when I need him. He is my proof that all people have good in them and all people can change. He has a huge heart and is amazing. My other brother, Pete and my (common-sister-in-law :) ) Jen. They are both amazing as well and so fun to be around. Jen is fantastic... and one of these days he better marry that girl ;). My cousin Jeni... she understands me better than anyone I know. She is the one person who knows when I'm being bitchy, to call me the next day and make sure I'm okay. She worries about me and I love her for that.
3. Okay so I have no money... but school has started and hopefully I will get a million calls to substitute and maybe even land a long term gig again. Having no money isn't a HUGE deal... and it is fixable.
4. So I guess Bed Bugs aren't really a reason to wallow per say... just be slightly irritated. And again silver lining - New Bob-o-Pediac! and an apartment that has never been cleaner. Plus I'm 98% sure the bugs are gone... and I will know for complete sure on the 9th when the exterminator comes for his follow-up visit.
5. Since this is about positive thinking. Waitressing isn't ALL bad either. Sometimes I make REALLY decent money. More money substituting to be honest... it's not consistent of course. But those really good nights are awesome. And most of the people I work with are alright I guess. At least I work with one of my best friends and almost always see all my friends when I get out of work. That's a positive spin on that for sure!
6. Wonderful friends. It's good to have friends that can help you laugh. My friends certainly do that. They even help me cope with bed bugs by making jokes about it :)
7. My health. I'm healthy.
8. I also have Jonathan. To sound extremely corny, he is my knight in shining armor. Even when I am wallowing in my self pity.. he can typically pull me out of that and remind me of all the things I have to be thankful for. He is on the top of that list.
~ Tracy ~
I promise other entries will not be nearly this long.