So I have to say that I am pretty proud of myself. For the past two and half months I have been very good about working out regularly. Not only working out regularly, but being healthy about it. Not making it an obsession and not obsessing over calorie intake and calories burned. Just getting up every day going to the gym and getting a good work out in. It has made me feel really good too. More energized and more in control. With everything out of control lately... working out at least gives me a goal I feel like I can attain. Something I can focus my efforts on and see positive results. It's not even that I want to lose weight either. I just want to be healthy, be energized, and get tone. I love that sore muscle feeling. That feeling that makes me think "wow that workout kicked my butt yesterday". For instance, today both my arms and legs are sore. Tomorrow my abs will prob be sore.
The reason this occurred to me today.. is I was thinking of how obsessive I used to be and how unhealthy it was.When I was 18-20 I worked out all the time. My first year of college I dropped 20 pounds. This happened for a few reasons. 1) I wasn't eating enough. 2) I worked out way too much. 3) Family stress. and 4) An asshole boyfriend who made me feel like shit.
It makes me sad to think that I ever let someone dictate my life. It makes me sad to think that I had such low self esteem that I let it happen. It makes me sad that it ruined friendships and made it impossible to make new ones. And it makes me angry that at points I felt trapped because of circumstance... Although... with that said... I know now looking back that I never completely lost myself in those years because it was me who eventually gave up. It was me who decided it should end. It was me who picked myself back up and put myself on the road to recovery. It was me who was strong enough to find myself again and fix all the things that had once been damaged (or in some cases TRY to fix things) I think it took me a few years to recover fully, but I think those bad experiences made me appreciate what I have now, that much more.
Consequently.. I ended up gaining the 20 pounds back gradually over the past few years...I think as my heart mended and I enjoyed the simplicities of life (such as partying with friends and chocolate chip cookies) I gained the weight back.... But that doesn't even matter. I needed that to happen for me to become healthy again. Even with those 20 pounds I have never felt like the low self-esteem little girl I once was. I think it helps that I don't feel like I look the same as I did when I started college. I think my weight is distributed much different now. And I'm curvier, more womanly... and my boobs grew, which is nice. I think it also helps that most people say I was too skinny back then.
Anyways.. I have been doing really well. I don't even really care if I lose weight. Not saying I wouldn't mind dropping 5-10 pounds, but that's not my goal. My goal is to be healthy. I'm just happy to be working out and feeling productive and healthy. If I look fabulous by next summer, that's just an added bonus :) I do think I have already started toning up some areas and I would like to have my old abs back! (I think losing weight is also harder these days - because I enjoy my weekends. My drinks and my China Max and my Wendys!)
I'm happy to say I have come far in the past five years. I'm in a healthy relationship with a guy who makes me feel like a goddess each and every day. He tells me I'm beautiful, sexy, hot, and gorgeous. He treats me right and loves me for me, quirks and all. I have all my friends back that I had lost - well the ones that matter at least. And I have picked up a few extra buddies along the way. I have a much better self image. I'm much more confident. And all of my struggles have made me stronger.
"Challenges make life interesting, however, overcoming them is what makes life meaningful". - Mark Twain